ANGLESEY JEDI WATCH

ANGLESEY'S HEINLEIN EVENTS

Did I not warn you that there were
strange goings-on here on Anglesey?

Are you, like me, beginning to believe that there may be a connection between it all.

I have decided to call each of these strange incidents a 'Heinlein Event'.

If enough significantly strange events gather together then there is the appalling danger that it just might achieve CRITICAL MASS.

It's not little neutrons floating about the place that we have to worry about.

Neutrons are Tinker Toys in comparison.

Let them smack into each other and create indiscriminate nuclear fission. That does not worry me.

As Donald Rumsfeldt, the former US Defence Secretary, used to say, the things we have to worry about are:

Not the Known Unknowns but the UNKNOWN UNKNOWNS.

THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH GOING ON!!!!

LATEST JEDI NEWS

LESSONS IN JEDI

JEDI MOON BASE

STORMY KNIGHT FOR TESCO

CAN YOU FEEL THE FORCE?

ANGLESEY KNIGHTS TAKE OR LEAVE OF THEIR CENSUS

KNIGHT THROWN OUT OF SUPERMARKET

LESSONS IN JEDI

May 17 2011

“Twenty Quid! Anglesey Jedi, you’ve got to be joking, surely?”
There again, I suppose it should be regarded as a test of the faith of those interested bods and members of the Holyhead Church of Jediism on Anglesey.
Twenty quid for what? I hear you ask. Well, Daniel Jones (aged 24) will be conducting a Public Seminar on his Jedi faith at the Ucheldre Arts Centre in Holyhead.
So what’s it all about then? That’s a rhetorical question, in case you write to propose answers. I’ll propose later.
First of all, the Holyhead Church of Jediism was set up by Holyhead brothers, Barney (aged 29) and Daniel Jones (aged 24) – aka Master Morda Hehol - head the UK Church of the Jedi.
In a Galaxy far away, I suppose and imposed on the public consciousness since the attack by a metaphor for one lost in Darkness, allegedly Darth Vader.
Then again, there was that occasion at the Tesco in Bangor when the Dark Side sought to undermine Daniel’s faith by requesting he remove his hood in the store, and betray his beliefs.
Daniel held firm. But was still booted out, so I heard.
It may well be that your density lies in assuming the values and beliefs of the Jedi Church.
If it’s Peace and a reduction in human conflict that underpins your belief then, all my joshing aside, I wish you well and congratulate you for working to live your life accordingly.
Density! I meant Destiny, of course. But wouldn’t it be nice to have your density located in a ‘Galaxy Far Away’. It would bugger up existential philosophy; however, you’d look great at parties.
Speaking to Elgan Hearn in the Holyhead & Anglesey Mail, Daniel Jones (aged 24), one of the founders of the Holyhead-based International School of Jediism said that he will be discussing his views on the Star Wars inspired religion.
In addition, he will be unveiling a new self-help group at the Ucheldre Centre later this month.

“The public seminar (on May 28th 2011) is going to be providing information on the church and how it works as well as setting up a new self-help group for personal development.
“People who are interested in the Jedi church are already able people. [My] aim is to make them more able.
“This seminar will be seeing me move away from the Church of Jediisim, slightly to concentrate on developing people’s personal awareness.”

Daniel Jones (aged 24) has also written a number of books about Jediism and as he told Elgan Hearne in the Holyhead & Anglesey Mail,
“I’ve also written several books on Jediisim. “As part of my work for these books I have done a lot of research about alternative religions and the path to enlightenment.”

Go along to the Ucheldre Centre in Holyhead on May 28th to ask your questions.
I sincerely hope that you enjoy an enlightening meeting.

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JEDI MOON BASE

February 10 2010

So! The Anglesey Church of Jediism in Holyhead has bought a packet of Moon dust. I wonder what the Soup Dragon will have to say about all this.

Afficionados of the early 1970s television programme The Clangers know the truth about their home planet. It was part of a CIA-conceived project dreamed up in the late fifties and realised by 1970. Now it ALL makes sense, doesn’t it? It wasn’t another planet, IT WAS OUR MOON!.

Master Hehol (age uncertain) of the Holyhead Jedi Church believes that he has purchased a Holy Asgard away from the trials and tribulations of the Human nest-planet.

You poor fools! You sad dreamers! You can take the Human off the planet but you can’t take the planet out of the Human. Just as we carry our shopping around with us (don’t mention Tesco) we all bear our humanity and inhumanity around with us to all places.

Master Hehol (age uncertain) may well have persuaded his Jedi Brethren and Sistren that they will live in Jedi harmony. My advice to the Holy Sistren is Watch Out! Equality devised by Men usually means the pretty ones end up as toys.

As for promised harmony. Well, I believe that it all makes sense for Master Hehol because he reckons that he will be in charge. Dissent usually reveals itself in small ways and ends up either as Rebellion or Despotism. One day the Jedi Master will get up in his Lunar Encampment - to be known as The Galactic States of Jediism - and find that someone’s used up his Moon cow milk and urinated on his Moon Flakes.

Always these small acts of challenge. Next he’ll find that the ‘Dark Side’ is manifesting itself among those who think they could do a better job and are resentful of his personal insistence on new and not folded-over second-hand loo paper like everyone else.

Make sure you have no peccadilloes Master Hehol (age uncertain) because they will be your downfall, unless you act to change them now.

But let those be your only problems. What of the CIA Clangers?

I’m sure you remember those US Army heroin experiments of the mid-1960s. Dismiss the rationale put out at that time because the truth is far more mysterious and appalling.

Even in the early days of its conception, the practicalities of Terra-formation were considered overwhelming and so it was placed on a shelf next to Richard Nixon’s personality. What was decided instead was to change the human form to be able to resist the destructive forces in a Vacuum. This was known as the HOOVER PROJECT.

You guessed it! The early heroin experiments were adaptation tests and early-stage genetic experimentation. In its final form an aspect of humanity became physically transformed and encased in Clanger form. The Soup Dragon is the Advanced CIA Lunoid-Form in charge of the clone maintenance serum. Thus, the Moon was conquered by the good old US of A while we were all busy and excited watching Neil Armstrong.

Now for the Teletubbies. What of them? Well, they are a Chinese counter-hegemonic experiment. Beagle 2 never made it to Mars. It’s on the Moon and is called the Nunu, which in an obscure Han dialect means, ‘My Occidental Bitch’.

Master Hehol (age uncertain) and the Brethren and Sistren believe that they have purchased a square mile of Moon crater in Oceanus Procellarum.

The Holyhead Jedi Church must be so excited but clearly they have not perceived the subliminal messages secreted in Scientology binary code by Tom Cruise in scene edit changes in ‘Rain Man’ and ‘Mission Impossible II’.

If someone comes up to you on a Holyhead street and offers you the role of Head of Galactic Affairs or Country Ambassador, be wary. What starts with a gentle chat over a mug of coffee and a piece of buttered bara brith in someone’s Nan’s front room (the one left tidy for coffins) could end up in another world of pain. I'm not talking about Anglesey County Council, either.

Do YOU fancy being the Soup Dragon’s Nunu?

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STORMY KNIGHT FOR TESCO

January 23 2010

Beware the fury of a Jedi Knight scorned. Or at least one who was chucked out for refusing to take off his hood in the nearby Bangor Tesco in September 2009.

Daniel Jones (Age 24), the founder of the Holyhead Church of Jediism on Anglesey, has decided that the decision to offer him an assisted exit from Bangor Tesco has contravened his Human Rights to exercise his religious beliefs. In this case, Jediism.

Is it another Heinlein Event? In local Anglesey newspaper reports, Daniel Jones has aged two years since September 2009.

In his Jedi Identity as Master Modra Hehol, Mr Jones (age now uncertain) - accused Tesco of religious bigotry and has created a new website to highlight the affront he feels.

Like any smart Jedi, Master Hehol, is seeking to use the enemy’s weaknesses against it by employing Tesco’s own code of ethics to blind-side it.

A bit like when Yoda flew about to exploit the 82 year old mobility issues of Christopher Lee in that cave fight scene. But didn’t Lee win out in that little confrontation?

Mr Jones’ intention is to seek an apology from Tesco for ridiculing his beliefs. To date Tesco has made no comment about the matter.

I’ll keep you up-to-date on all developments.

I believe that it was Chewy who articulated it best when he said, “GUUNNNHHHHHHHHH NGAAAAAAH!”

Quite right, Chewy. And so say all of us.

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CAN YOU FEEL THE FORCE?

January 2010

Blinkin' Flip! You find yourself another hero in these troubled times on Anglesey and then Darth Vader goes and messes it up for everyone.

Mr Jones, 28, one of the two founder members of the Jedi Church in Holyhead has decided that he has had enough. In a recent BBC interview his brother, Mr Jones, 22, stated that his brother was feeling that the pressure of public attention since declaring his new faith is no longer tolerable.

It all goes back to April 2008 when Darth Vader manifested himself in the body of a local drunk and assaulted Mr Jones, 28, and his cousin (age unknown) with a crutch. It could have been worse, it could have been another vowel so thank heavens or small mercies.

I cannot in all conscience refer to the attacker as a gentleman because his behaviour was anything but.

Mr Jones, 28, and his cousin (age unknown) were practising with their light sabres in a garden when the assault took place and Mr Jones, 28, was hit over the head.

In the subsequent criminal trial Mr Hughes, 27, was convicted of assault and his defence counsel submitted mitigation as 'suffering problems with alcohol'.

This is just one of a sequence of challenges that the Jedi Church and Jones brothers, 28 and 22, and their cousin (age unknown) have suffered. You will remember from a previous report that a Jedi was requested to leave Tescos in Bangor for refusing to remove his hood inside the store.

That Jedi took offence and stated that it confirmed a prejudice against his Jedi beliefs. In response, a Tesco spokesperson said that they were not at all prejudiced against any faith and that their main concern was that any Jedi would miss the great bargains to be had if he was wearing his hood.

I'm sure that I've read about others who have doubted their faith when challenges were great. "When the faith is strong so is the light sabre work." I think that appeared in the poem by Cynan that won him his second National Eisteddfod Chair.

The author wishes Mr Jones, 28, the best and hopes that he sees such challenges as means of confirming his faith rather seeking to destroy it. I hope that he is able to live safely and according to his faith publicly - apart from inside Tesco.

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ANGLESEY JEDI TAKE OR LEAVE OF THEIR CENSUS

September 17 2009

It’ll be interesting to read the results of the Rehearsal Census that is being conducted on Anglesey by the Office of National Statistics. This rehearsal is a test of the forms and procedures that will be used for the ten-yearly National Census to take place in 2011.

The result of each Census is vitally important and affects us all in the end because the data are used to plan for future local public services and government funding, among its more significant purpose.

For those of you who remember the 2001 Census some of will know that there was a strong rumour abroad that if more than 1,200 people registered their religion as being JEDI, then it would be accepted as a ‘Religion’, rather than a belief born of the STARWAR movies.

Sadly, this was not true. So we don’t have a Jedi Archbishop reading out his ‘Thought for the Day’ on Radio 4’s Today programme. No admonishment of the ‘Emperor’s Storm Troopers’, either, which I think is way overdue.

I understand that most of those who wished to have their religion recorded as ‘Jedi’ were students or those who took their tablets in the wrong order.

Nonetheless, I imagine that the Jedi Church in Holyhead will carry on seeking to expand the ‘Force’ beyond the bounds of their Gran’s front room normally kept tidy in case of coffins.

Of course it’s all a bit of fun. But what if belief systems could be recorded - in addition to, or instead of religion?

Just how many would be based on hatred of others compared to loving everyone, especially our lovely differences? The former will probably outweigh the latter, as the zealous tend to seek every opportunity to hiss out their opinions and assert their identity-crises based on ‘Otherness’. The rest of us tend to smile at each other and say ‘Hello’, rather than ‘Go to Hell’.

Thankfully there will be no box for ‘Beliefs’. Nonetheless, it should be interesting to learn what Anglesey turns out from of the reassuringly boring to the unexpectedly amusing and decidedly odd.

(For information please visit www.census.gov.uk).

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JEDI KNIGHT THROWN OUT OF SUPERMARKET!

September 17 2009

Not really a story about Anglesey, however, it is well worth reporting that one of the Jedi Knights of the Holyhead Church of Jediism was thrown out of the Tesco Store in Bangor for wearing a hood indoors.

Daniel Jones, Church founder, stated that the store manager and security guard denied him his Jedi and human rights to move about and dress according to his beliefs.

Daniel Jones stated that he hoped that this policy by Tesco of bigotry and religious discrimination will change.

In response, Tesco stated:

“Jedi are very welcome to shop in our stores, although we would ask them to remove their hoods (anti-shoplifting policy).

“Obi Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker all appeared hoodless without ever turning to the Dark Side, and we are only aware of the Emperor as one who never removed his hood.

“If Jedi walk around our stores with their hoods on, they’ll miss lots of special bargains.”

Will Anglesey's Tesco in Holyhead be confronted on the same issue.

The Force was not called upon to attend.

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